Punditry StaffDuring a press conference in which Governor Greg Abbott signed an illegal Texas abortion bill into law, he claimed he will eliminate rape from the streets of Texas. As soon as he mentioned it, one can hear applause from all the mannequins standing around him. Meet the amazing rape eliminator down in Texas who will also, we are told, is going to eliminate other ills the state suffers from. Mostly under his watch.
Meet the crime eliminator as well … (Applause, applause from the hacks surrounding him in the room.)
What the heck, meet also the theft eliminator … (Applause, applause from the nincompoops standing behind him.)
Wait. wait. The Governor has something more to say:
“I will also eliminate drought and bad grades in schools”
(Applause … Applause.)
One reporter asks: What about COVID Governor Abbott?
No, the Governor answers, I want COVID to eliminate rapists.
Welcome to Texas, folks. Its new motto is: Where Rapes Never Happen.
He [Abbott] will place a monitoring ankle bracelet on every uncle in the State of Texas along with a GPS monitor on every young niece.
YOU GET WHAT YOU VOTE FOR
To say Abbott’s DNA is the construct of his own voters would dishonor the discoverers of the DNA double helix. “You get what you pay for” is the old and true adage about shopping and merchandise. In Texas, however, “You get what you vote for”. Governors who claim they are supermen only to be applauded despite the outrageously unrealistic claims.
Let’s analyze for a moment what methods Governor Abbott will use to eliminate rape.
First, he tells us, he will place a monitoring ankle bracelet on every uncle in the State of Texas along with a GPS monitor on every young niece. If that uncle comes within six feet of his niece during the hours of 6pm and 6am, there will be hell to pay for.
The Governor then explains that the hours are flexible. They can stop uncles up to 24 hours a day.
Second, Governor Abbott intends to ask every male over the age of 16 in any neighborhood where young girls live to register themselves as potential rapists, get a citation ahead of time just in case, and then the Governor intends to ask each to report to the nearest police station every 12 hours. The logic behind this tactic, the Governor explained to an applauding crowd, is to prevent rape by keeping them busy coming and going.
Next, he will have a policeman follow suspected rapists across the whole state. If and when they show any inclination to rape someone, the police will bounce on them like a tiger on a gazelle. If the suspected rapist is black, the police have orders to shoot first. Never mind asking any questions.
When asked if this will eliminate rape, the rape eliminator Abbott assures the public it will. All rapes across the whole state of Texas. He guarantees, to his applauding audience, that his Republican idea is the best solution to eliminate rapes.
Hallelujah y’all.
TWINKLE, TWINKLE, LITTLE STAR
Now that the Governor explained his full proof plan to eliminate rapes, all young girls and boys in the state of Texas can sleep better knowing Greg Abbott has done everything he can to protect them from rape. 100% of the times from 100% of all potential rapists. Past, present, and even the future ones.
What a magnificent man he is.
Don’t forget to vote for Governor Greg Abbott again. Texas surely deserves him.
Meet the Amazing Rape Eliminator Down in Texas
Punditry Staff
