In reality, the news item was not even worth any attention. But Falafel felt there was more to AP’s three paragraphs wire than meets the eye. He sensed there was going to be Russian retaliation for US State Department oversight.
Oversight of what, you ask? Here goes the first paragraph of AP’s wire:
Russia’s Foreign Ministry has accused the U.S. State Department of spreading disinformation by not mentioning Soviet cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin in a Facebook post about the International Day of Human Space Flight.
Holy macaroni. How dare the U.S. State Department not mention Gagarin? After interfering in Russian 2016 elections? How dare our diplomats not mention a Russian who died under mysterious circumstances in Russian air space?
So, Falafel took a flight to Moscow to inquire further. History told him that Russia will retaliate against the United States for not mentioning a Russian probably killed by his own country. But how will Russia retaliates is the question Falafel needed to capture.
Falafel booked a flight from Damascus to Moscow. His luck has it that he flew on an Ilyushin Il-62, Russia’s pride in exceptional engineering with two dozens of crashes under its belt. The plane shook and vibrated until it landed.
Upon arrival to Moscow, Falafel headed to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs for a meeting with Sergey Lavrov. Lavrov has held this position as Minister of Foreign Affairs since 2004.
*****
RUSSIAN RETALIATION FOR US STATE DEPARTMENT OVERSIGHT
Falafel: Thank you kindly minister Lavrov for meeting with me on such a short noti …
Lavrov: … and a short stay. Russia welcomes all Muslims.
Falafel: Russia is upset over the US State Department oversight when it did not mention Russian cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin on the occasion of International Day of Human Space Flight. What do you intend to do?
Lavrov: Our president-for-life the great Vladimir Putin has assembled the top leadership in all three branches of our federalist country. We have several proposals on the table, but no decision has been made yet.
Falafel: Can you share with our readers what some of the proposed retaliatory ideas might be?
Lavrov: Some are too radical for us to consider.
Falafel: Like what?
Lavrov: Like stealing from the US the formula for the Novichok nerve agent the CIA tried to assassinate one of our ex-KGB agents in London with.
Falafel: What else?
Lavrov: Another very radical idea we will not consider is bombing American hospitals, schools, and markets. We just don’t do that. We are civilized people here. The world thinks we are barbaric people, which is not true. Besides, the logistics would be a nightmare.
Falafel: You mean shopping centers, not markets.
Lavrov: Yes.
RUSSIAN RETALIATORY INCLINATIONS
Falafel: What is the your inclination then? What retaliatory actions do you think you are most likely to carry out?
Lavrov: One that our president-for-life Putin likes is a moratorium on travel of American women.
Falafel (Perplexed): I don’t understand.
Lavrov: As you know beautiful American women come by the plane load to Russia every week to sell their bodies to Russian macho men. It seems American men are totally inadequate and are unable to please them. Too much alcohol, I think. That should dent their economy of remittances.
Falafel: Really?
Lavrov: Yes. Also, we are considering seriously abandoning Assad for the Americans to handle him. Let that psycho destroy the US State Department singlehandedly. It might be our best retaliatory action because the Americans have no idea what we have to deal with.
Falafel: Are you not afraid the Americans might kill him for another dictator?
Lavrov (chuckling): We hope so … you have no idea how deranged that man is … and by the way, I forbid you to mention I chuckled! We want the Americans to fall for the ruse.
*****
From stealing the formula to the Novichok nerve gas, to blocking beautiful American women from travel to Russia, to abandoning Assad. Folks, the Russians are dead serious about holding the US State Department accountable.
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